Dear Messrs. Pyle & Kneebone,
I returned home early from my shift at the mill yesterday and came upon my son Aloysius in delicto solo fragrante. So fevered were his manipulations, he seemed bent on beating his member as though it owed him a King’s ransom.
After several hours of beating the devil from his mortal soul, he has confessed to a string of Onanistic wickedness.
Will this cause blindness? As I am 42 years of age, I was looking to Aloysius to leave school at 12, and enrol at the mill to support me in my frail dotage. A blind child will leave me no option but to cast him into the Thames.
Your obedient servant
Festus Sweedlepipe
Putney
Dear sir,
A blind child is an abomination and an affront to God, man and nature and as such we spared not a second investigating this chilling myth. Mr Sweedlepipe, let us walk you through our methodology.
Firstly we scoured the good neighbourhood of Mayfair; wrenching urchins of a similar age to your boy from their chimney sweep duties and returned them to our private auditorium. Once gathered, we projected various images of a pornographic nature onto a wall and bade them to commence the sin of Ona. Soon they were hunched like monkeys stripping husks off a coconut.
At the height of their fevered self-abuse and at a pace of no more than 12 feet we held aloft and in plain view, standard eye chart tests and asked them to identify every letter. My good Sir, the results were mortifying. Children who would normally spot a penny through a sewer grate were uniformly unable to even identify the boldest consonant we showed them.
It is our considered and scientific belief that this myth is confirmed, and we humbly suggest that you purchase Dr Abernathy’s Anti-Masturbation Harness™. It protects against the sickness of self-abuse; its internal penile-lacerating feature curbs arousal while attempted removal causes possible mutilation. For the sake of your son’s temporal health and to spare him eternal hell-fire we urge you to order yours today.
We remain, your humble servants
Thadeus Pyle & Jebediah Kneebone Esq.
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Thank the great, Lord God Almighty that scientific and enlightened gentlemen of your calibre are here to offer your guidance through these dark and trying times. Your Humble and Pliant Servant, Mrs Thimblebottom of Plymouth.
ReplyDeleteIndeed, what a relief to stumble upon you Masters Thadeus and Jebediah. But to where do we address our most pertinent questions for your perusal and admired advice. Please sirs, help... I have many a question.
ReplyDeleteMs Shiny Winceberry.
My Dear Miss Winceberry,
ReplyDeleteWe are at your service. Please address your questions, doubts, and possible fears about this uncertain age by electric telegram to victorianmythbusters@gmail.com.