For the last few weeks, my wife Constance has been behaving in a most unseemly manner. Despite a regular regimen of laudanum, she no longer dreamily wanders the halls, lies about soporifically ringing the servants’ bell, or drowsily nods at my discussion over dinner. A strange, ungodly animation has taken o’oer her. Last night she had the temerity to express an opinion, on a matter of which escapes me now, but Jesus Wept! I excused myself from the table, and to ward off my distemper, I went out back and thrashed one of the servants until my mood calmed.
During the salubrious beating of Gracie, our Tanganyikan maid, the wretch confessed to using Constance’s laudanum for her own devices- in order to relax, she said. This may explain why last Tuesday, I returned home to find Gracie so relaxed she was supine on the kitchen tiles, and my beef wellington ruined.
Gracie has been despatched to the Workhouse. Constance has suggested changing the drawing room wallpaper. From this maelstrom of my unruly, once placid house, I implore you sirs, is a regimen of tincture of laudanum the answer to restoring Constance to a manageable, less obstreperous wife?
I await your answer with the greatest of agitations
The Right Hon. Ezekiel Colgrave
Dear Mr Colgrave,
This problem is but part of a most troubling, growing blot on our fair isle. Just last week, Thadeus read in the periodicals of ructions from an egregious sector of the fairer sex requesting the Vote. Female opinions and participation in politics are a fanciful canard, not fit for the frail workings of our womenfolks’ minds.
As the skewed clockworks of the female brain remain an enigma to science, we pored over the Good Book for a biblical answer to your query.
“Leviticus 25:44. Women know thy place. Where men argue of matters, remove thyself, this place is not thine.”
There you have it good sir. Sedation and the resultant cessation of free, unfettered thought is the lodestone of a happy marriage. Myth confirmed.
We remain, your humble servants
Thadeus Pyle & Jebediah Kneebone Esq.